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Infertile Hello - jazzygirlhal

Jan. 3rd, 2006 01:57 pm Infertile Hello

The title is truly infertile hell, but I added the O
to soften it somehow.
Pain that is unbearable
as I am denied
making a family
for my daughter.
A list of
67, no exaggeration
women who have
conceived as I
have struggled
to do so.
The even more
painful reality
of going through
two abortions with
relatives, while
I desperately trying
to get pregnant.
Also the
lost crackhead
friend of mine
who birthed two
babies, both addicted
in 2005. Both boys
taken by the state,
along with her other
four children. Yet
I can't conceive.
Some say, you have
one, you should be
grateful. It is
because I have the
one that it is so
important to have
more. I was apathetic
of my infertility before
Khalila, using excuses
of overpopulation, and
my work of saving many
children. i am afraid
i am becoming bitter,
and angry at the universe.
i don't know how to be
at peace with my
uncooperative ovaries.
I take this horrible
medicine to menstruate,
I take more
medicine to ovulate.
Pee on expensive sticks
with no surge of the
needed hormone.
Months of treatment
without success. Next
came the inseminations,
and still no babies.
Ugh, way, when I am
such a great mom. I know
I need to improve, like
not do all the housework,
and learn to say no, but
the mama part is so amazing.
I have yet to be frustrated
by my baby girl, and that is
weird. I am frustrated by
the poverty, by the addicts
in my family, by the injustice
in the world, and by my
infertility. However I am
blessed with this perception,
that when Lili is going through
her tantrums, that they are
not about me, but they are
her way of figuring the world
out, her way of claiming
independence, her way of
trying to get her way.
Why, when motherhood is
the role that fits me best,
the role I was born to fulfil,
the role that brings me
more joy and peace then I
have known in my life, why
must I be denied. I try to
say, now I can understand
the pain of infertile couples.
I had no idea how absolutely
heart breaking it was, now
I do. I find no comfort in that
I have used that to justify
childhood incest, alcoholic
and drug addicted care-giver,
a birth defect on my lip that
caused me to be tormented,
the murder of my brother,
the racism of the
white side of my family,
the disappearance of my
sister, the death of so
many more, the suicide
attempts starting at ten,
the hospitalizations after
D left, the...the...the...
all of the pain
that I have endured, I try to
say it is for me to better
understand someone else's pain,
but that excuse is wearing thin.
The births are happening,
weekly, and of course
I am happy for the
miracles, but oh how it
is a double edged sword.
Then I think
the pain

3 comments - Leave a commentPrevious Entry Share Next Entry


Date:February 6th, 2006 09:10 am (UTC)
I hear you. I grieve for you. I love you.
Date:February 6th, 2006 09:11 am (UTC)
This is T, by the way...
Date:February 21st, 2006 05:20 pm (UTC)
love you too girl. thank you for sharing this. you are so brave.