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jazzygirlhal

Jan. 3rd, 2006 01:57 pm Infertile Hello

The title is truly infertile hell, but I added the O
to soften it somehow.
i
have
been
struggling
and
suffering
with
infertility
for
two
years.
Pain that is unbearable
as I am denied
making a family
for my daughter.
A list of
67, no exaggeration
women who have
conceived as I
have struggled
to do so.
The even more
painful reality
of going through
two abortions with
relatives, while
I desperately trying
to get pregnant.
Also the
lost crackhead
friend of mine
who birthed two
babies, both addicted
in 2005. Both boys
taken by the state,
along with her other
four children. Yet
I can't conceive.
Some say, you have
one, you should be
grateful. It is
because I have the
one that it is so
important to have
more. I was apathetic
of my infertility before
Khalila, using excuses
of overpopulation, and
my work of saving many
children. i am afraid
i am becoming bitter,
and angry at the universe.
i don't know how to be
at peace with my
uncooperative ovaries.
I take this horrible
medicine to menstruate,
I take more
medicine to ovulate.
Pee on expensive sticks
with no surge of the
needed hormone.
Months of treatment
without success. Next
came the inseminations,
and still no babies.
Ugh, way, when I am
such a great mom. I know
I need to improve, like
not do all the housework,
and learn to say no, but
the mama part is so amazing.
I have yet to be frustrated
by my baby girl, and that is
weird. I am frustrated by
the poverty, by the addicts
in my family, by the injustice
in the world, and by my
infertility. However I am
blessed with this perception,
that when Lili is going through
her tantrums, that they are
not about me, but they are
her way of figuring the world
out, her way of claiming
independence, her way of
trying to get her way.
Why, when motherhood is
the role that fits me best,
the role I was born to fulfil,
the role that brings me
more joy and peace then I
have known in my life, why
must I be denied. I try to
say, now I can understand
the pain of infertile couples.
I had no idea how absolutely
heart breaking it was, now
I do. I find no comfort in that
I have used that to justify
childhood incest, alcoholic
and drug addicted care-giver,
a birth defect on my lip that
caused me to be tormented,
the murder of my brother,
the racism of the
white side of my family,
the disappearance of my
sister, the death of so
many more, the suicide
attempts starting at ten,
the hospitalizations after
D left, the...the...the...
all of the pain
that I have endured, I try to
say it is for me to better
understand someone else's pain,
but that excuse is wearing thin.
The births are happening,
weekly, and of course
I am happy for the
miracles, but oh how it
is a double edged sword.
Then I think
i
am
hateful
for
feeling
the pain
of
infertility
shade
my
happiness
for
others.

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Dec. 6th, 2005 05:53 pm Mama almost died

My mother had been acting loopy since
the day before. An occasional occurence
when she would abuse her medication.
After a second full day of it I decided
to get her to the ER, after conferring
with the doctor. So the call was made.
Rude ambulance drivers rushed mama off.
I waited for what seemed forever while
they couldn't, or wouldn't find my mama.
Apologetically they finally let me to her.
This time she wasn't hooked up to the
respirator and they weren't throwing the
letters DNR around. She was still no
compus mentus, and the doctors keep
asking, "is this her baseline?" NO
no no no I tell them, she is just as
coherent as I am right now, she has
not lost her faculties.

Later she tries to sign out AMA,
they discovered she has an infection
but can't find the source. She says
give me my antibiotics and send me on
my way. The doctors tell her
"If you leave tonight, you will die"
They ask me if I can't get her to stay.
I manage to make it happen, by getting
a bit sassy, but she was being selfish.
So she had pneumonia that infected her
blood, she was septic and they say 50%
of the people that come in that septic
die. She stayed about 10 days and was able
to get healthier. She switched doctors,
Yeehaw, no more of the trips to Boston
every three weeks.

She has a pain management specialist,
a pulmonologist, an immunologist, and
a general practitioner. Hopefully things
will turn around.

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Nov. 27th, 2005 12:59 pm Thanksgiving Day of Mourning

My family has always recognized the history of genocide of the native people of the Americas by boycotting Thanksgiving to some extent. When I found out there was an organization that gathered and recognized this, I wanted to go. This year, probably the worst weather yet, we went. In this country there are many destructive lies in place that help others to be opressed, repressed, and
discrimintated against. One of which is the lie of thanksgiving. The first official "Day of Thanksgiving" was proclaimed in 1637 by Governor Winthrop. He did so to celebrate the safe return of men from Massachusetts who had gone to Mystic, Connecticut to participate in the massacre of over 700 Pequot women, children, and men.

Today on some reservations the conditions are horrendous where life expectancy is 42 and graduation rates are 23%. What is that. These are my people, my ancestors, and what am I doing to help them?

Once I had a baby girl, I fought with what to do, celebrate the tradition, or expose the lies. Why not both. So we have our thankful feast on Friday, because I love the idea of dedicating a day to gratitde, and to being thankful for each other. Of course, this should be everyday, but some of us need the reminder.

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Oct. 27th, 2005 12:48 pm Domestic frustration

What can you do for the woman who is not ready to leave?
As a child I sat powerless as my mother was the target
of his rage. Feeling the fights physically in my soul,
I stayed silent. As a teen, once again, I knew not how
to protect my two sisters from the wrath of their men.
Decidedly I stayed away from relationships as to not end
up a punching bag. That was until a special love came and
made me feel safe enough to love.
Once my nephew was born I found the strength to go and
remove that beautiful baby from the hatred. Of course
then i turn their anger on me, but I will do anything to
protect a child from suffering. Frustration comes when now
I have to admit that my sister usually starts the fights
and the physicality. She ends up with men that eventually
hit back. Expect for the one who dumped her when he felt
that anger growing within him.
A few nights ago there was another "beating" and an attempt
to kill them both in the car. Her son, my nephew, was drawn
into it by her crying, ranting, raving, etc. This left little
man hateful, wanting to enact revenge on his mother's "ex"
boyfriend. I brought her to the police station, just to have
her change her mind the next day. Just to have them together
like nothing has happened, while the rest of the family is still
wounded from taking care of the drama queen who dragged us all in.
When will it stop, and how can I help little man understand
something I barely understand myself.

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Oct. 9th, 2005 05:38 pm The marriage

Last week I wed my partner of seven years.
We have a child, we have a life together,
we have a love, and we see a future.
So on the anniversary of Gandhi's birthday
we wed. Hopeing to be messengers of peace
and love in our union and individually for
the world to draw from.

The night before the wedding my husband's father
decided to call and spread hate. He said I was
racist, paranoid, disrespectful, ungrateful,
irresponsible, and abusive. There were other
things in there but it was overall horrible.
It seems to me that nothing in my life will
be easy at first. Ut oh, sounds like paranoid
thinking. Why my father in law chooses 12hours
before our nuptuals to voice this is beyond me.
Well, not really, it is just his style.

It was painful and we cried quite a bit. I
uninvited him to our wedding, he had threatened
Josh with not being able to contain himself
when the question of anyone objects to this union.
We put it in a positive way anyhow. In the end
I decided I loved Josh more then I dislike his
father so I left the decision up to him. The
poetic justice was the traffic on the pike
that caused them to miss it anyway.

The ceremony transcended the nonsense,
the weather was perfect and we became
one. We are planning a big ceremony
for the summer.

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Sep. 2nd, 2005 09:09 am

Lost in this swirling whirling world.
Angry black woman unleased as poverty
has taken it's toll. As addictions, as
violence, as despair, mount in the hearts
of those I love. My dearest daughter of
love was raped twice by my son of love.
She was forced to have an abortion, so my
infertile ass had to sit in that clinic
with twenty women who are blessed with
the ability to get pregnant but cursed with
the wrong circumstance and timing.
My baby girl wasn't ready for the abortion,
she wasn't ready to see her baby in a cup
on the counter. Which in reality is
probably placenta, but to her, it was her
baby. DNA evidence collected from the aborted
fetus to prosecute the rapist I have loved
since he was in diapers. She said her soul
is dead, gone forever. We wept together as
I told her it was from the pain, and that
it wasn't dead. I pray I wasn't lying to her.
Pieces of us do die when we withstand the
unbearable.

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Jul. 9th, 2005 05:22 pm Breast cancer

There is was once again,
the dreaded lump...
I've always hated the
vulnerability
that came with having
protruding proclamations
of womanhood.
It used to be,
the anguish was caused by
external reasons;
wandering eyes
settling there,
making me feel so
ashamed;
inappropriate hands
groping them in
crowded subways and
darkened hallways,
making me feels so
dirty and objectified.
Now it seems
the shame
comes from within.
The internal composition
of this tissuey mass
that rests on my ribs
is the cause of my distress.
This is the third time
the damn lump
has come to claim
my breast as its domain.
Twice before I've had
the un-welcomed visitor
hacked out.
Can I allow the scalpel
to thrice sever
my breast;
or will I let this
uncontrollable growth
continue invading
the symbol of my
womanhood
and perhaps
eventually
overthrow
the woman?

I wrote this ten years ago.
My mother-in-love has just gone
through two rounds of surgeries.
The margins are still messy so
in 10 days, she will have a
mastectomy. She has been amazing
and in a healing circle we had for her
this was a quote from her.

"with all of this love the poor cancer doesn't stand a chance."

The power of positive perspective.

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Jul. 5th, 2005 11:08 am Shout out from Michigan

We drove out to Michigan on my birthday
to celebrate my grandfather in law's
90th birthday. The reunion has been full
of singing and laughing, and swimming, and
being. Khalila is lucky to have a huge
family on her dad's side that love to get
together and do so. Eldon is 90 and his
four siblings are all alive, they came
with their children, and grandchildren...
Needless to say lots of family. In contrast
to my small biological family of four,
the two addicts, and the two children.
I am grateful to consider my friends
to be my family. That is how I will keep
from crying, as my mother is suicidal and
a sister in a tailspin.

On to the happy shoutouts,

Tinabear, I miss you much, I am
glad Alaska is good to you, but,
Massachusetts isn't the same without you.
Happy Birthday Cancermate. I have been
camping and was unable to let you know
before know, but you are with me.

Jojo, Happy Birthday to you soon, real soon.
We are only 90 miles apart and never see
each other, I miss you like crazy cakes
and hope that we can chill soon.

Niners, Congratulations on finishing
school. I am proud of you mama extrodinaire.
I can't wait to hang out with the girls at
a park. Do the mama talk while the cuties
play and get to know each other.

Love to all.

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Jun. 20th, 2005 05:41 pm One month has passed

Khalila is 25 months today.
She is completely adorable and
made my life the other day when
she was looking at my stomach
and started to say repeatedly
"pretty belly mama"
Tomorrow is Kevon's last day of school.
My mother in law is having another
surgery for breast cancer tomorrow.
We are hopeful,if this next one
doesn't get it all, she is
going to get a mastectomy.

We have a family reunion coming
up, Khalila's Great Grandpa is
90 years old. So off we go to
Ann Arbor at the end of the month.

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Jun. 3rd, 2005 02:39 pm So Long Ago

It was so long ago that I wrote the last entry.
Khalila is now two and just a cute as all that.
I love that when I put her Dora baseball cap on
with the front facing front, that she always turns
it around. I love that she surprises me with
Thank you mama, constantly. I love the way she
looks when she sucks her finger, instead of her
thumb (although it also concerns me) I am out
of denial that I can run the business from home
while watching her. Time to find a mother's helper.


Cooking up a play date with Graciemama.

Love to all.

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